White
Marcus's mother came charging in to his in the morning. He woke up because of her voice, but he couldn’t yet comprehend what she was saying. He looked at the clock on the table, and realized he had overslept. It was already eight, no wonder she was all worked up. As he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, he listened again to the excited babbling. This time, he could make out a part of a sentence:
“. . . so let’s have breakfast together, like we used too!”
Marcus was left completely baffled; he hadn’t eaten breakfast with his mother since he was eight. And why was she so happy? School had already started, and there she was, pulling Marcus’s arm, smiling and whistling.
“Aren’t you mad at me for oversleeping?” Marcus felt like he was trapped in an awkward dream. His mother was never up this early. She started laughing and gave Marcus a kiss on the forehead.
“They called from school; you’ve got the day off because of the snow.” Jane walked over to the window and opened the curtains. The glass was covered with it. A tiny bit of sunlight reflected in the snow; working its way through, melting the frost slowly. His room was shimmering in the abstract light from the snow-covered window, and a warm feeling crawled up inside of him. Marcus loved snow days.
He helped his mother make breakfast. Toast with bacon and scrambled eggs, with the bacon fried to a crisp, just the way he liked it. Dog was hoping for a taste, so he came down the stairs and started sniffing about in the kitchen as they were cooking. When Jane wasn’t looking, Marcus snuck a piece of bacon to him from his plate. He looked so pleased, waving his tail as he wandered off into the living room. Seeing Dog so happy gave Marcus an idea. He looked at the clock on the microwave, showing 08.20. He said to his mother that he was going to the bathroom. He hurried to his room, took out his book and a pencil and sat down on his bed to write a ticket:
1. Dog, Dalmatian.
2. Thursday, December 17th, 2009, 08.15 AM.
3. Ash Street.
4. Five minutes.
Marcus Lee
He dropped the pencil on the floor and felt gravity take hold of him. He closed his eyes and his body fell, slowly at first, but then faster toward his unmade bed. The snow-white light covering the walls of his room expanded, and when the light had faded, or when he had gotten used to it, he noticed that he was no longer in his bed, or even in his room.
He looked down, and saw a pair of white, furry paws with black spots here and there. He looked around, and everything looked different. The house, which was filled with his mother’s mistreated plants, was in a whole different color. Everything was in weird shades of red and blue and even the plants were in a vague pinkish purple. He walked from Jane’s room to the stairs, which also felt odd. He hadn’t been walking on all fours since he was a baby. He could smell the bacon on the pan downstairs, and began his descent. Shuffling head first down the stairs was scary, but he made it all the way down without losing his footing. He walked in to the kitchen, and saw his human self standing by the stove. The scent was stronger and more complex compared to when he had been standing by the pan and frying the bacon under his own nose.
Through Dogs eyes, he saw Marcus’s fingers grab a piece of the delicious bacon and stretch down toward the floor. He quickly bit hold of it and ran off to the living room. A strange feeling of self-inflicted déjà vu slowly faded away as he was chewing and tasting the bacon, enjoying every moment of it.
He reacted to a sound outside the front door. Someone was coming. He could hear them long before they reached the door, so he wasn't surprised when he heard knocking. His mother didn’t start screaming for him to open the front door, which was weird. He saw how everything turned white around him, as if snow had covered it. He blinked his eyes, and when he opened them, he landed in his bed, as Marcus again.
“Will you get the door?” Jane was busy scrambling the eggs, so Marcus ran down the stairs. He opened the dark, wooden door, and was met by the same sort of bright, white light that was glowing in through his window. The road and houses behind it were under a thick, white blanket, and right in front of him, camouflaged in the landscape, stood Lola.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow. Quotes within quotes within quotes. Anyway, the conflicting senses are interesting, so I wouldn't omit this as you've done in your edit. Perhaps you could reword it as: In his mind it seemed odd, but to his new body, it felt quite natural.
This one slipped through on my last review. it's quite a vague statement. How did he react? Or perhaps noticed would be a better word. Or even better: There was a sound outside the door.
Yeah, I've had to do a lot of that too. I used to write fantasy, so researching places is new to me. Luckily I've been to most of the places Michael goes, and thank god for the internet and especially google maps for the rest.
In to his what? And into is one word by the way.
You writing reads smoothly and easily. Once you've made these few changes, it will be a highly polished chapter as far as I can see. Mind you though, from what I've heard, editing as you go is supposed to stifle creativity, so it might be best to wait until you've written the whole thing. The feedback won't go anywhere. Do whatever works for you, but for most writers, including me, it is best to do writing and editing as two separate processes.
Sorry I was slow getting to this. My family and I went on a spur-of-the-moment holiday to Shark Bay.
You said what time it was before Marcus looked at the clock, which means you were going out of Marcus's perspective and into 3rd person objective.
More powerul if you remove the word padding.
I didn't think there was school that close to Christmas (That may just be in Australia though. Better check if you're not sure about in America).
The bits I've underlined cotradict each other.
Ouch! Wouldn't he get a burnt hand.
I think these should both be in the same paragraph since the sense of déjà vu was interrupted by the sound outside.
Does this mean she screamed for him to open the door, which is different from what she usually does, or does it mean she usually screams for him to open the door, but this time she's doing something different? I would have assumed the latter, but a few sentences later she does call out for him to open the door, and now I'm confused, and writing long rambling sentences as a result.
That's all from me today. Until we meet again.
It wasn't really obvious here that Jane and Marcus's mother were the same people. Usually parents are called "Mom," or "Dad," they aren't usually referred to by their first name, at least by their kids.
I thought Jane was his girlfriend and that his mother was interrupting them at an awkward moment. All of this could have been avoided if you changed "Jane" to "Marcus's mother," at least I would have had a clear idea on what her relationship to Marcus was. It makes sense to relate characters to the main character.